I read an article in a local newspaper the other day that cited the results of a study that suggested that the children of divorced parents were more likely than their counterparts to experience a higher risk of stroke as adults. Thankfully, the article went on to explain that the study results didn’t suggest a direct ‘cause and effect’ relationship between the two variables (the experience of one’s parents divorcing as a child, and a higher propensity for a stoke as an adult); rather, it merely highlighted the presence of a relationship (a correlation) between the two factors. But, if the readers of that article don’t understand the (enormous) difference between a rigorous experimental study that measures cause and effect, and a correlational study, then they’re likely to feel a great deal of additional guilt and fear if they’ve subjected their children to divorce early in their children’s lives. However, the purpose of this particular blog posting is not to enlighten readers about the difference between these two study methods. Rather, it’s really about addressing the possible residual feelings of guilt and fear that anyone reading that article might’ve been left with.
After I finished reading this article, my first thought was “interesting, but what would the results of a study that researched the potential consequences (physical, emotional, or otherwise) reveal in cases where parents should’ve divorced, but didn’t?” Obviously, that’s a study that would prove tremendously challenging due to the enormous number of confounded variables that would likely exist. Nevertheless, I believe the question itself is still worthy of consideration. And, moreover, it forms the basis of the sort of conversation that I’ve had with many clients over the years in my role as their psychotherapist. “Should we stay together for our children?”, is a common question many parents ask me when considering divorce, and rightly so. Parents in earlier generations certainly thought they should. And, that’s a ‘pity’, according to another journalist who wrote in today’s paper that despite the fact that divorce statistics state that 4 out of every 10 first marriages fail, he believes that remaining in a dysfunctional family system can often cause considerably more issues for the children, both in the short and long term. And I wholeheartedly agree: many of those children end up in offices just like mine.
So, what is the ‘right answer’? Well, there isn’t one. And, what I mean by that is there isn’t just one ‘right’ answer. It depends. I typically ask these parents what would be best for them? And, thinking this is a selfish way to go about answering such an important question, they look at me as if I don’t really understand the gravity of the situation. But I do. In fact, I’ve garnered a strong belief over the years that helps me when facing any of life’s more difficult decisions, and I share this with all my clients, and, especially with parents who’re considering divorce: we must do what’s best for us, otherwise it won’t be best for anyone else, and in this case, for their children. The reverse is also true: if we do what’s right for us, it will inevitably prove to be right for everyone else involved. In other words, by staying in unhealthy relationships for the children, particularly when one parent, or both, is no longer committed to the relationship, then that lack of commitment will unquestionably manifest itself in all sorts of ways and, thus, will inevitably destroy the family in the end anyway. Leaving earlier than later in cases like these, would naturally cause less psychological damage for everyone, and, in particular, for the children. And, furthermore, since children, more often than not, look to parents as role-models about how to ‘do’ intimate and committed relationships, what would parents who stay in dysfunctional marriages actually teach their children? Chances are, they’d be teaching them that a dysfunctional relationship like theirs is ‘normal’, and, as such, these same children often leave home later as young adults and simply recreate the same sort of dysfunction they witnessed in their parents marriage in their own intimate relationships. Or, just as often, they’ll remain ‘commitment phobic’, or even swear off relationships altogether.
So, divorce when your children are young and sentence them to potential physical and/or emotional consequences later in life, or stay married and sentence them to a large dose of dysfunction, both as children, as well as in their adult relationships? I agree, neither choice looks very attractive. So what to do? Well, it depends…